Some Other Sucker's Parade: Love

Yesterday, I overheard someone say, "Only love makes killing time so cruel."

My first thought was that this person was an obvious romantic deep in the throws of obsession, love, and potentially a long distance relationship. My second thought was, "Dude, are you going to clean my teeth or what?"

I couldn't just sit there and not ask him what he was talking about, partially because I am a curious lad and partially because I am a dick and I knew I had a blog due.

"What do you mean by that, Doctor Steve?"

"Simple", he said. "Until you got love, then you got nothing."

Or perhaps one might sacrifice his quest for love and take an English class. He continued by saying that he has found love and everything has come together. He used to sit around and hope that he would find her and that his life was meaningless and boring. He used to watch movies alone and agonize over how to spend his free time.

Umm...Wow. Some people are pretty jacked up. Maybe this cat was breathing air from the funny mask, but I couldn't help but disagree with him more. Agonizing over free time?

I have been on the road for six weeks. I have been in three countries, dozens of hotels, temporarily befriended strangers for periods of no more than three or four days, pretended to not want to fight morning DJ's, ate bad food, jogged indoors at several YMCA's, blogged, written, and basically survived on my travel raft quite happily by myself. I had very little free time, but what I had of it, I adored.

When I got home, although quite excited to see my dog, I was not on an immediate path for my soul mate. I did laundry and welcomed my free time with the same open arms that a shoplifter does the checkout line Pez dispenser. I think love is the big lie.

People wonder why people don't stay together anymore like grandparents? They stay together out of fear. My grandfather is afraid of the remote control and my grandmother is afraid of driving. He helps her with driving and she helps him watch Alf on DVD.

I guess I am not mad Doctor Steve or anyone who is truly happy, I just believe that if it's going to happen, then it will do so at it's own pace. I know that there is a special someone out there for me, but I certainly hope that she isn't agonizing over her free time.

So, Dr. Steve thanks for the clean mouth and the inspiration to enjoy life whether or not you are single or in love. Today, I am going to go hiking, eat a pizza, take a nap, go to two callbacks, and then, who knows, maybe I'll jerk off in the Beverly Center fountain. Not likely, but if I wanted to, I could.

I love you special mystery-to-be-named-at-a-later-date lady, and in honor of that, I am going to walk my dog. K.I.T. and always stay as sweet as you are.

PS: Dr Steve, maybe it's time to update the treasure chest of goodies. I somehow believe that heart-shaped red plaque tabs are no longer the reward I am looking to for listening to your theories.

XO XO

Gossip Newberg

J Chris Newberg is a comic, actor, producer, song writer, and author living in Los Angeles and occasionally Detroit with his loyal and aging Cocker Spaniel, Flower. He has recently written a Valentine's Day card for his lover and discussed the impact of text messages on true love. You can find him at jchrisnewberg.com, myspace.com/jchrisnewberg, or just google him because you know you want to. His column runs every other Tuesday.