Some Other Sucker's Parade: Vampire Edition

I am a 400-year-old vampire born in 1608.

I am a Pisces and an obvious day sleeper. I have pretty good skin, considering my age. I have loved and seduced many. I have bloodlust and am friends with many bats (the Louisville slugger and I are best friends).

So check this out.

I was in my castle up in the hills and the phone rang. To my surprise, it was a girl that I dated in January. So she tells me that she made a mistake and she wants me back. My first question was, "January of what year?" Because there have been 400 of them.

She said two months ago and I remembered her instantly. Jen is 5'3", 110 pounds, and Type O positive. So, naturally I was interested in what she had to say. We agreed to meet and I got the carriage all prepared and asked my driver Renfield to get his top hat ready for the trot. He does, and right after sun down, I make my way down the hill.

I get to her house right at 8:10 pm and we have a bloody Mary or two and then it's off to the Transylvania Improv because I have a set. I need to do six minutes for a potential spot on the Count O'Brien show. I perform and I have a good set, but the crowd kinda bites.

We decide to go to my house for some sex and a Fresca. This is when it gets interesting.

She starts biting my neck and I'm all, "You don't want to go there," and she's all like, "Make me a vampire bitch!" and I'm all like, "No," and she's all like "Yes."

Was it sexual? Well, let's just say she went down for the Count.

Was it spiritual? No. It was just a half-night stand that started out fun and ended up weird. After we were through with our freshness, the crazy girl pulls out some garlic and a steak and tries to throw the meat at me. I tell her (when I stop laughing) that garlic is for Werewolves and it's stake made of wood, not of sirloin.

Man, did she feel awkward.

So, I made her dinner and then she left, but not before she began to cry and say that she was fucked up and that I didn't want her. Really?! You are gonna play that card right after I made you dinner, after you tried to stab me with it? She explained that life hasn't been the same since she was kicked off of "Yo Mama" for using an insult like, "Yo mama so short she blows ants." I agreed with Wilmer - that was terrible.

I tried to console her, but she just wasn't having it. So, she darted out the Castle and I haven't seen her since. Some say she's working at Lego Land. Others say that she makes cake for for cake enthusiasts. I am just glad that she is safe.

Best of luck Jen and please, for everyone's benefit, don't talk to strangers. Boo Ya.

J Chris Newberg is a comic, actor, producer, song writer, and author living in Los Angeles and occasionally Detroit with his loyal and aging Cocker Spaniel, Flower. He has recently written about love and a Valentine's Day card for his lover . You can find him at jchrisnewberg.com, myspace.com/jchrisnewberg, or just google him because you know you want to. His column runs every other Tuesday.