The Timekiller: All You Need Is Love (And 99 Cents)

This past Valentine’s Day, I drove past a 99 Cents Store which had a big banner in the window advertising the store as “Your Valentine’s Day Headquarters.”

This got me thinking...how bad does your relationship have to be for you to treat the 99 Cents Store as your Valentine’s Day headquarters? How little do you have to care about your Valentine in order to get her a 99-cent gift? And at that point, aren’t you better off just getting her a zero-cent gift?

Instead of doing your Valentine's Day shopping off the dollar menu, wouldn’t your special lady rather have a book full of thoughtful, cost-free coupons such as the “You Get To Control The Remote Night” coupon, the “I’ll Admit You’re Right Even If I Don’t Actually Believe It” coupon, or the always popular “Get Out Of Blowjob Free” coupon?

And what do you do if you’re on the receiving end of a 99 Cents Store Valentine’s Day gift? Do you still have to pretend that it’s the thought that counts? And if that’s true, then the thought that will be counting is the fact that your significant other only “thought” you were worth 99 cents.

Even the Hookers at the Point are worth more than that.

My point is that the 99 Cents Store should change their banner to “Your ‘I Want Out Of My Crappy Relationship But Can’t Figure Out How To Tell This Crazy Chick So I Need To Really Fuck Up Valentine’s Day In A Major Way – It’s My Only Chance - Headquarters.’”

But I also figure that if the 99 Cents Store is willing to declare itself a Valentine’s Day headquarters, it will likely stoop to similar measures to drum up business for other holidays. Therefore, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with some catchy ad taglines to help them with other upcoming holiday headquarter pushes:

99 Cents Store: Your Halloween Headquarters
There's no scarier costume than a trash bag over somebody's head who isn't expecting it.

99 Cents Store: Your Father’s Day Headquarters
You could spend more on your Dad, but why bother? It won’t be good enough for him anyway.

99 Cents Store: Your Black History Month Headquarters
Our stuff’s only 99 cents because the man won’t let us charge more.

99 Cents Store: Your Yom Kippur Headquarters
All the atonement, none of the cost.

99 Cents Store: Your Arbor Day Headquarters
You’d have to be retarded to spend more than 99 cents on Arbor Day.

99 Cent Store: Your “Congratulations On Passing Your HIV Test” Headquarters
You survived your condom-less evening with a Hooker at the Point – shouldn’t you celebrate with a candy bar?

Josh Spector is the "mastermind" behind Whip It Out Comedy. His column runs every Monday, assuming he remembers to write it. He has recently written about the state of the web comedy union and the Oscars as he watched them. He can be pestered at whipitoutcomedy@yahoo.com.