The Timekiller: March Madness

March Madness has arrived and I, for one, could not be happier.

It's like Christmas, Hannukah, Virginity Losing Day, Free Chipotle Burrito Day, and a Junior High Snow Day all rolled into one batch of greatness. With gambling.

But despite my excitement that March Madness is upon us, I must admit that this year I face a rare dilemma (I'll pretend it's rare even though it has actually happened 3 out of the last 4 god damn years!): my beloved Maryland Terrapins are not in the big dance. I'll spare you the specifics of my pain (I'm not still paying college loans to that school so that they could go play Minnesota in the NIT dammit!), and instead try to turn my negative into a positive for you.

You see, since I won't be able to root for the Terps this year in the tournament, I need to find a new team to root for. I figured that I'm not the only one in this predicament this year (I'm looking at you, Syracuse fans), so I thought I would put together a simple 10 Step formula to help you determine what team you should root for in the tournament when your own favorite team isn't even in it. Here it is:

How To Find A Team To Root For In March Madness When Your Favorite Team Didn't Make It Because They Suck

Step 1: You've Had Enough Losing This Year, Pick A Winner.
If you're using this formula it's because you've already had enough disappointment from rooting for your own shitbag of a team, so this time around why not pick somebody in the tournament that actually has a chance to win it? That means eliminating every team that is not a top 4 seed in their region.

Step 2: Bye Bye Boring Teams.
Eliminate any team whose games are about as exciting as the guy with the painting show on PBS. If you wanted to cheer for a team that struggles to score 40 points a game, you’d be watching the women's tournament. Seeya Wisconsin, I won't be rooting for you.

Step 3: Hold A Grudge.
Eliminate any school that never would have accepted you as a student and justify it with the belief that good academic schools can't really be good basketball schools anyway. In my case, this means Stanford, Georgetown and Vanderbilt are all history. (Grudge Exception: Duke probably wouldn't have accepted you, but they've proved more than able to overcome the academic handicap so you have to keep them in the mix.)

Step 4: Fuck Duke.
Eliminate Duke because, can you really root for Duke? Not if you're a Maryland fan.

Step 5: The Roy Williams Rule
Eliminate teams coached by guys that you know will find a way to screw up a team no matter how much talent they have - especially if that coach has already won one more title than he deserves. This takes North Carolina and Kansas (apparently Bill Self inherited more than just Roy Williams players when Roy left Kansas) off the list.

Step 6: No Mini-Me's.
Eliminate any teams whose coaches are lesser clones of a better coach who is also in the tournament. This means Memphis and John Calipari are history since Rick Pitino is still around, and Jamie Dixon and Pitt are gone since Ben Howland and UCLA are around.

Step 7: The Merch Rule
Eliminate any team whose name just won't look right on national championship merchandise. Can you really see yourself rocking a championship hat with either Xavier or Washington St. on it? Just not gonna happen. They're gone.

Step 8: The "Mission Accomplished" Rule
Eliminate any school that has any affiliation with President Bush. Sorry Texas, but we can't root for a school from the state that spawned this disaster.

Step 9: Analyze Your Final Four
Now that we've narrowed the field down to four teams we would consider rooting for, it's important to look at what the consequences would be if each were to win it all.

If Connecticut won it all, it would only help them get even more top recruits that should go to Maryland. So ICAN'T go with UCONN.

If UCLA won it all, living in Los Angeles would be unbearable because suddenly everybody would pretend to be a huge Bruin fan and talk about how much they love that Mayo kid (yes, Mayo plays for USC, but most LA fans probably don't know that). So much for UCLA.

If Louisville won it all it wouldn't be too bad, but we would probably be submitted to another book about success from Rick Pitino. And unless that book is titled "Don't Go To The NBA: Rick Pitino's Guide To Success," I'm not interested. That leaves us with one obvious choice to root for...

Step 10: Choose An Underdog That Could Actually Win
The Tennesse Volunteers. Talk about a team that's easy to root for -- they're coached by Bruce Pearl, an insane guy who has built a great basketball program in a football school, is not afraid to paint his chest and cheer for the women's basketball team, and has single-handedly doubled the state's Jewish population. He's probably the best interview in the whole tournament, and there's no doubt that if this team goes on a run he will provide us with at least a dozen hilarious quotes/moments along the way.

Still need convincing? Check out these clips of Bruce in action. Go Vols!

Josh Spector is the "mastermind" behind Whip It Out Comedy. His column runs every Monday, assuming he remembers to write it. He has recently written about using the 99 Cents Store as your Valentine's Day headquarters and the state of the web comedy union . He can be pestered at whipitoutcomedy@yahoo.com.