Ask Amber: 101 Asses, Craigslist, and Rape

Hi Dongs!

Wow. I can't believe the questions people are asking me. I'm not sure if I should take the response to this column as a compliment or if I should start drinking again.

Let's get to the questions!

I'll start off with Cammie, a 22-year-old from Port Richey, FL...

Dearest Amber Tozer,

My boyfriend wants to have anal-sex. But I'm worried about how it looks down there. What if it is all hairy and scary?! I've never had it waxed because, well -- I don't want some stranger looking at my ass or vagina for that matter. What should I do?

Thanks,
Cammie



Thanks for writing in, Cammie. Congratulations on having a boyfriend that wants to plug up your back door. Nobody's been interested in stuffing my bung holey-o since '06.

You shouldn't be worried about your butthole, I have a resource that can help you out. My best friend Karey Dornetto is a gluteus maximus hair removing idiot savant. She has an ass shaving empire and has created 101 Ways to Shave Your Ass - it's loads of hair-removing fun.

Check out her site, www.101waystoshave.com, buy her book or a t-shirt for inspiration. You can even have your boyfriend help you shave your butt. My personal favorite is called "At Gunpoint."

Hope this helps! Getting plugged in the ass is as much fun as plugging a friends dongy website (almost).

Ok. Moving on.

Here are a few questions from Andrea, who is new to Los Angeles.

Check it:

Dear Amber,

How can I tell if the guy responding to my Craigslist personal ad is married?

You should ask him something like: Are you married?

Is Craigslist a good way to meet single guys in LA?

No, but I wish you the best of luck. I think Craigslist is a great resource, but I feel like the personal ads are dongy. It's just too easy for weirdos, pervs, psychos and children to post an ad. I think you'd have a better shot at meeting a cool dude in traffic or something. BUT, Craigslist is a great way to sell mattresses illegally, to find a roommate, and to collect ball sweat.

What's the best way to get on tv?

I'm not sure. I haven't really figured that out yet. I can tell you what not to do: Do not fuck people who have an ego the size of Ron Jeremy's dong, do not get drunk every night, and do not eat after midnight. Whoa, a GREMLINS reference – stop the press!

Maybe the best way to get on TV is to kill someone.

This is my first summer in LA. What should I do while I'm here?

Los Angeles is awesome in the summer. You can hike, chill at coffee shops, cut your bangs, and meet people that'll remind you of an Uncle that might touch you. Also, the rehab facilities are top-notch.

I'm sure you'll figure it out, just stay open minded and be sure to ignore the right people. Hope this helps, Andrea. Have a great summer - don't ever change!

Next.

I don't know who sent this next question to me. They had one of those
weird email addresses with a code name, BTK. Wait, I know who this guy is. BIND TORTURE KILL serial killer man!

Whatever. This is what he asked me.

Have you ever been raped?

WHOA, nosy-rosy psycho! Well, to be honest with you - I was almost raped but it didn't really work out. And, I totally was asking for it.

I was like "Hey man, will you rape me?"

Him: What?

Me: You heard what I said. Now rape me.

Him: You want me to rape you? I don't think it would be rape if you WANT it.

Me: Fuck you. No means yes. Rape me.

Him: I've never raped anyone before.

Me: Dude, hold me down against my will and stick it in me, dong-gonnit!

Him: (Get's on top of me and sticks it in) OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

Me: Shut the fuck up.

Him: Sorry. Raping is hard.

Me: Punch me in the neck.

Him: What is wrong with you?

Me: I'll tell you later.

Him: Ok. (Punches me in the neck then walks away)

Me: Way to party.

Him: You are out of your mind.

Me: Ok. Bye.

The End.

At least I got a neck punch out of it. We actually went on a second date and I think I turned him off. I would not shut up about how much my parents loved me as a kid.

Ok, gotta go and eat some Ding-Dongs now.

In my next column I'll answer some questions from Troy, who wants to know about Obama and the Bittergate Scandal and "What's up with white women?"

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. She previously answered questions about German lesbians and Al Qaeda, and questions about pubic hair. You can email your questions to ambertozer@gmail.com or call the hotline at 818-575-6035! Her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out - www.myspace.com/ambertozer.