Ask Amber: German Lesbians, Ayman al-Zawahri, and a Smithsonian Shit

Hi Bananas,

I'm going to jump right into the questions. I'm in no mood to razzle-dazzle you with a hilarious introductory paragraph. My bangs are too long, my right quadricep is bigger than my left and I'm a dry drunk.

This advice column is going to be loads of fun. Let's begin with a question from Berna, a lesbian from Germany:

I'm gay and whenever I meet some girl via internet (yeah, I know..) and we talk/message around for a while, the questions about my name usually start. Where it's from and stuff. To clear things up, I live and grew up in Germany, but I'm not originally from here. (originally from Turkey). So anyway, after they know about my name they kind of lose interest and back off slowly.

What the hell should I do in these cases? Confront them about it and ask about it right away or just fucking forget those idiots who aren't able to open up their horizons?

Thank you!
Berna


Thanks for writing in, Berna! I'm not sure if their lack of interest is in direct correlation to your name, your location, or where you grew up. If I were lesbian cruising the Internet for some hot lady-on-lady action, I might be discouraged if they didn't live near me. I'd want the luxury of a traveling a very short distance to a girl who might give me a good fingerblast and/or crack lick.

BUT, if they lose interest in you because of your upbringing and they don't like Germany - kick them in the virtual va-jay-jay (aka pussy) and forget 'em. They are a waste of time. I'm clueless about the lesbian culture in Germany, but I say hit the gay bars, clubs, whatever. The Internet is weird. It's so vast and anonymous. Maybe the person you are "chatting" with isn't even a lesbian. It could be some lazy-eyed-homophobic-daily-raped American prison inmate who likes playing jokes on the gays (they have Internet privileges). Or, it could be some wise-crackin' Grandma in a nursing home trying to get a few laughs in before she criggity-croaks. You never know.

Get out of the house! I'm sure the right girl will cross your Turkish-German path soon. In the meantime, masturbate constantly.

Moving on. Rob wrote in again! I couldn't help but answer another one of his questions. Check it:

So it appears that Ayman al-Zawahri is about to start his own advice
column via the web. Are you worried about the competition from Al Qaeda? Alternatively, do you have any advice for al-Zawahri, being an experienced advice
columnist yourself?

Thanks, Rob. I'm not worried about any competition from Al Qaeda and Ayman. Ayman and members of Al-Qaeda are all ugly banana-dicks and I'm an adorable, all-American slut. Ayman is best buddies with Osama Bin Laden and I'm best buddies with a blue dildo. We run in different circles, have different goals in life, and attract different markets.
His advice column is targeted toward a terrorist network, while my column is targeted toward funny people and office slackers. I WIN - hands down...your pants.

Do I have any advice for Ayman? Ummm. Yeah, I do. Here it is:

Dear Ayman,

Chill the fuck out, man. You are just another human on this Earth that will die like the rest of us. Get over yourself. You are a qualified surgeon, an optometrist to be exact. And, your name is pronounced EYE-MAN! If that's not a sign from God, I'll pay 72 virgins to bang your goosey-ball-sack in front of those who worship you.

Anyway, shitty-shitty-gang-bang, why are you so angry? Maybe you and Osama have had a-hole sex, and that's why you need to go into banana attack mode against the Jews and Americans because you need to muffle those "un-Godly" homo feelings. You need to create chaos amongst people who don't follow your beliefs, to divert attention away from your anal area. I think Freud would agree. You need a complete psychic change, you selfish banana! Just anally attack Osama and leave everyone alone. It'll be totally cool, dude. We'll understand.

Gays are awesome, just talk to Berna from Germany. She'll tell you the truth. Come to think of it, you better not be the one messing with her on the Internet! I know people, and they like bananas!

Oh, and in regards to having your own advice column - best of luck!

Peace,
Amber

PS: Banana!

Wow. That just came out of me like a diarrhea laced suicidal bomb-blast.

The last question is from Lisa. Lisa is a friend of mine that I've known for 11 years. Her question annoyed me. Here it is:

Who invented the bra and why?

Lisa, Google that shit. This isn't Jeopardy. This is an advice column. Questions need not deal with trivia – they need to deal with emotions and actions. I'm going to give you advice on how to ask for advice. Ya know what? Since I know you so well I'll ask a question you should be asking me.

(Pretend Lisa is asking this question)

Why am I so fascinated with the size of my shit logs?

Please note: I'm not trying to be shocking by asking Lisa's pretend shit question. I'll just never forget the time I spent the night in her apartment in Pueblo, Co. back in 1998. I was passed out on her couch when she came running into the living room and was like "OH MY GOD. YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE SIZE OF MY SHIT."

Me: What? (Just waking up)

Lisa: Seriously, go look in the toilet.

Me: Ok (Got up and looked in the toilet).

Me: Whoa. Nice. It's bigger than a banana.

Lisa: Isn't that crazy? That's the biggest shit I've ever taken.

Me: Yeah, it's huge. Way to squeeze it out. (Went back to sleep)

And...scene.

Lisa, you are probably fascinated by the size of your shit logs because you've always been obsessed with the digestive process. I remember you always saying, "God, isn't shit weird? I mean, we eat food, stuff happens in our body and look what comes out!"

That's it. You just find whatever comes out of your brown-eye very interesting. The next time you take a Smithsonian worthy shit, show your kids. They'll flip out and the say craziest thing! Record it, send it into America's Funniest Home Videos and win the grand prize! (I get 10 percent). Or, just post it on YouTube.

Gotta go now. Don't be mad at me Lisa.

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. She previously answered questions about pubic hair and introduced herself to us. You can email your questions to ambertozer@gmail.com or call the hotline at 818-575-6035! Her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out - www.myspace.com/ambertozer.