Midwestern Nightmares: Life Of A Gangsta

I was at a semi-empty Taco Bell - because I can afford nice things but I also appreciate privacy - and while I waited for my order, Nachos SUPREME (quit hatin'!), Bean Burrito, AND Crunchy Taco, a gentleman sitting in the corner began freestyle rapping. Loudly. And horribly.

As I stifled gut laughter, he finished up his verse with, "strong like coffee, I ain't no Sanka, I live the life of a gangsta!"

Two thoughts:

1. Sanka?

2. And secondly, does living the life of a gangsta include eating Meximelts?


While still waiting, (Nachos SUPREME takes time people) he came up to the counter and said, "Yo nigga! (The clerk was Pakistani so it wasn't racist or offensive. Thank God. Whew.) Gimme another refill!"

I could then tell that he was a REAL gangsta, because gangstas never say "please."

Apparently they do like Sierra Mist though.

And are aware of kitschy brands of instant coffee.

And also smell like they played 14 hours of basketball three days ago and are still wearing the same sweats and underpants that are soon to be riddled with Taco Bell farts.

But from what I've found, Taco Bell gangsta rap is far from the toughest of the rapping.

The toughest rapping comes from what is known as "Gay Gangsta Rap."

Because, "I'm gonna fuck you in the ass while you suck on my shotgun!" is far more hood than songs about champagne, jewelry, and automotive tires.

And that's NOT some easy "gay" joke. It's something I saw on The 60 Minutes 20/20 Show.

SUPREME.

Mike Burns is a severely hunky comedian from Saginaw Chicago New York Los Angeles, MI. He recently reminisced about his Colt 45-drinking childhood and held a garage sale for his old jokes. You can see more of this dreamboat at myspace.com/mikeburnsmikeburns and read his column here every other Tuesday.