Ask Amber: Alcoholism, White Women, and Nude Photos

Hello Eyeballs!

I have no time to do whatever I think I'm supposed to do in this first sentence. I just wanna get to the questions!

Boozy Blues from Houston, TX wrote in!

Dear Amber Tozer,

I've noticed that in both your column and your blog, "Public Bravado," you talk about quitting drinking. Do you think you are an alcoholic? Any advice for a guy who's in love with an alcoholic? I've been with the same girl for two years and she's out of control. We are both miserable. She has promised to stop drinking, but she hasn't,
it's gotten worse. Should I break up with her? I know most of your advice is crazy, but please take this one a little seriously...if that's possible.

Regards,
Dude with the Boozy Blues

Dude with the Boozy Blues, thanks for writing in. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I KNOW I am.

I'm going to take your question as serious as ballsack, asshole and booby cancer.


Alcoholism is a lot like the "private part" cancer trifecta and treatment is necessary for survival. The tricky thing is, the only one who can treat your girlfriend is - your girlfriend. Alcoholism is like masturbation, the only one that can conquer it is
the person involved.

Crap. I'll be back in five minutes.

(Five minutes later)

K, I'm back. This question hit me hard. I felt like drinking and/or rubbing one out. I decided to cum all over the place - it's cheaper, I'll remember it and it's a good upper arm workout.

Anybooze...

If your girlfriend is an alcoholic and she wants to stop drinking, she'll probably have to hit her "bottom" (this always sounds dirty in a British way to me). Yeah, she's going to have to go through drunken hell, meet the devil, and run like she's on fire toward a new way of life.

I don't want to get all medical and shit in this post, but I will for second, so you'll get a better understanding of what she's going through. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind (something is missing upstairs) and alcohol acts as a cure (so we think)– fears fade, confidence is born and there is some sort of "connectedness" that
happens. But, eventually alcohol begins to have the OPPOSITE effect on the alcoholic and things can get uglier than Betty and/or your mother (LOL! J/K! HAHAHA! HEEEHEEE!)

Over time, the body actually develops an allergy to booze. This allergy is the uncontrollable urge to drink even when the person doesn't want too. This overwhelming craving leads to the first drink, and the many, many drinks that usually follow. The alcoholic will often wake up baffled and say something like, "I wasn't gonna drink last night. I can't believe I got so wasted. Why are there burrito beans in my ear
and why am I in bunk bed?! Who's on the top bunk? Bunk is a weird word!"

Things are gonna have to get worse for your girlfriend before she'll want to stop. Maybe she'll start coming home with traffic cones on her head or up her butt. Maybe she'll stab an elephant to death and/or she might crap on your face when you least expect it. OR, maybe she'll get the elephant to crap on your face while you're sleeping then stab it to death. FYI, if this happens, she won't want to talk about the dead elephant in the room in the morning, so you shouldn't mention it (even
though you will be dying to know where the elephant came from.)

All I'm saying is let the crazy unfold if you can handle it. Don't nag, make threats or yell at her. She'll manipulate you into thinking that everything is your fault.

I dated a non-drinker for a few years and one night he told me "Amber, your drinking isn't cute anymore."

In my shitfaced state of mind I said, "I don't think anything or anyone is cuter than me. I mean...Emanuel Lewis was pretty cute as Webster, but he doesn't suck your
dick every night. I do, and it's adorable."

See - I made it seem like I was the cutest thing ever and he wasn't mad at me after I sucked his wang until his eyeballs almost popped out of his head. Oh, and let's not forget how I referenced a small black child from the 80's to confuse the situation even more. Us boozers know how to spin a situation!

My point is, Alcoholism is a son-of-a-fuckin-dickhole bitch, whether you have it or not. It ruins lives. Boozy Blues, if you think your girlfriend is worth it - stick around and see if she's willing to get help (you might get a few blow jobs out of it).

If she's a crap girlfriend, dump that boozey-twat. It might help her sober up in the
long run.

Cheers!

Peace,
Amber

Moving on. Here's a question from Troy, he's from somewhere in the U.S.A.

Dear Ms. Tozer...or is it Mrs?

A couple of weeks ago, the Pennsylvania Democratic electorate was made up of 47% white women, higher than any other race/gender subgroup. Clinton ended up winning by more than 30 points, 66%-34%; in Ohio, she won this group, 67%-31%.

I gotta ask, what's up with the white women? Do you think they are afraid of having a black man in office?

Thanks for considering my question.

Troy (btw I'm African American)

Thanks for writing in, Troy. I wish your name was Webster. My name is Amber, Ms. Tozer if you're nasty. If you are not nasty, leave me alone. OMG, we have so much in common already. I just tried to spoof Janet Jackson's song "Nasty," she's black, and you're black. Awesome. We just connected. I hope you caught that with your eyeballs.

I don't know about your question, man. I just see a lot of "%" signs, but I'll try to answer it.

I know of a few white women who are voting for Obama and I know a black guy who's voting for Clinton. I do my research based on my friends, not national statistics.

As far as the polls go, I honestly think white women are excited about the possibility of having a white woman as President. And, I think a lot of black people - like Oprah - are excited that a black man might bring home da title (that wasn't meant to be racist).

Those of us who have our eyeballs wide open leave out gender and race, and vote based
on who has the coolest campaign slogan. I'm just happy that my black and white television has brought out the true colors of all presidential candidates.

Oh, and I think it's hilarious that you think white women might be "afraid" to have a black man in office. A lot of black men assume that us white chicks are afraid of you. WE AREN'T! The only things white chicks are afraid of are gaining weight, getting a DUI, and sharks.

That's it. When I see a black man, I get super horny and hopeful.

BOOM.

Next.

Hey Amber,

Love your stuff. Here's a question for ya.

How do you know when it's the right time in a relationship to take nude pictures of you and your partner? When's the right time to post them on the Internet?

Sincerely,
Derek

Hi Derek,

Hmmmm. Nude pictures. I say, after you ejaculate all over your partner (not in the eyeballs), take a few pictures of their naked body. If he/she likes the photo session, then it's the right time to take nude pictures. If they aren't into it, you'll just look like a perverted idiot.

If you both decide to publish your nudey pics on the web, that's when you should realize you are just like every other asshole that's trying to get attention via the Internet.

The End.

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. She previously answered questions about German lesbians and Al Qaeda, and questions about pubic hair. You can email your questions to ambertozer@gmail.com or call the hotline at 818-575-6035! Her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out - www.myspace.com/ambertozer.