Thursday, May 15, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Period Pants
Thanks to the male-oriented name of our site, people might think that our content skews a little bit toward the male point of view. But, that's not really the case. As proof of our equal opportunity hilarity, we offer up this new video from The Hazzards for their song "I Perioded My Pants." Read More......
Dan Bialek vs. America: Houseguest Paul
Houseguest Paul: Better Than A Pit Bull
Going on the road kind of sucks. Not only do I miss my girlfriend, our house and my cat and fish, but I also don’t like leaving them alone in for weeks at a time not knowing if something bad is going to happen to them because I’m not there.
On this leg of the tour I came up with a solution to this problem. Well, sort of.
My friend Paul is an out-of-work actor/security guard who also happens to be a weapons specialist and gun enthusiast. He was in between places to stay right before I left for Oklahoma two weeks ago, so I decided to offer him discounted rent on our exercise room for the duration of my trip as long as he promised to feed my pets, watch our house during the day and help my girlfriend with a few household chores.
I also asked that Paul use his digital camera to send me little video progress reports every few days to let me know how things were going.
Here are the first batch of them . Enjoy.
Part 1 – Meet Paul
Part 2 – Welcome To Paul’s Crib
Part 3 – Urine & Coyotes
Part 4 – Tai Chi SunriseDan Bialek is a comedian and writer who is currently doing an independent national standup comedy tour. He can be reached through his website www.danvsamerica.com. The website houses a huge free arcade that has weekly high score contests in which you can win fabulous prizes such as a plastic masturbating monkey or some of the Starbucks coffee beans that Dan’s mother is constantly unloading on him.
The Walk of Shame Anthem
It may have taken an energy drink company cutting a big check and a cast of hundreds, but at least we finally have gotten the chance to see a video based on one of the great traditions in hooking up - the walk of shame. Read More......
Monday, May 12, 2008
Bill O'Reilly Freaks Out
Back before he was the king of the conservative universe, Bill O'Reilly spent his days reporting for another hard-hitting news outlet
- Inside Edition. And as you can see in this clip, things didn't always go quite as O'Reilly would have liked them to so sometimes he had to call his producer a "fucking asshole." Hey, it happens.
How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend
We're pretty sure that there's a popular belief that breaking up is hard to do. But, it turns out that's not really the case. As long as you follow the 64 easy steps outlined in this animated guide for breaking up with your girlfriend, you will find yourself single again in no time (give or take a couple years). Read More......
How To Creep Out Your Mom On Mother's Day
Call us old fashioned, but we celebrated Mother's Day with a simple gesture of sending flowers. That's because we don't love our mother nearly as much as this guy who decided to go all out and create his own version of a 1980's hair band music video proclaiming his love for his mother. Read More......
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Ask Amber: Alcoholism, White Women, and Nude Photos
Hello Eyeballs!
I have no time to do whatever I think I'm supposed to do in this first sentence. I just wanna get to the questions!
Boozy Blues from Houston, TX wrote in!
Dear Amber Tozer,
I've noticed that in both your column and your blog, "Public Bravado," you talk about quitting drinking. Do you think you are an alcoholic? Any advice for a guy who's in love with an alcoholic? I've been with the same girl for two years and she's out of control. We are both miserable. She has promised to stop drinking, but she hasn't,
it's gotten worse. Should I break up with her? I know most of your advice is crazy, but please take this one a little seriously...if that's possible.
Regards,
Dude with the Boozy Blues
Dude with the Boozy Blues, thanks for writing in. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I KNOW I am.
I'm going to take your question as serious as ballsack, asshole and booby cancer.
Alcoholism is a lot like the "private part" cancer trifecta and treatment is necessary for survival. The tricky thing is, the only one who can treat your girlfriend is - your girlfriend. Alcoholism is like masturbation, the only one that can conquer it is
the person involved.
Crap. I'll be back in five minutes.
(Five minutes later)
K, I'm back. This question hit me hard. I felt like drinking and/or rubbing one out. I decided to cum all over the place - it's cheaper, I'll remember it and it's a good upper arm workout.
Anybooze...
If your girlfriend is an alcoholic and she wants to stop drinking, she'll probably have to hit her "bottom" (this always sounds dirty in a British way to me). Yeah, she's going to have to go through drunken hell, meet the devil, and run like she's on fire toward a new way of life.
I don't want to get all medical and shit in this post, but I will for second, so you'll get a better understanding of what she's going through. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind (something is missing upstairs) and alcohol acts as a cure (so we think)– fears fade, confidence is born and there is some sort of "connectedness" that
happens. But, eventually alcohol begins to have the OPPOSITE effect on the alcoholic and things can get uglier than Betty and/or your mother (LOL! J/K! HAHAHA! HEEEHEEE!)
Over time, the body actually develops an allergy to booze. This allergy is the uncontrollable urge to drink even when the person doesn't want too. This overwhelming craving leads to the first drink, and the many, many drinks that usually follow. The alcoholic will often wake up baffled and say something like, "I wasn't gonna drink last night. I can't believe I got so wasted. Why are there burrito beans in my ear
and why am I in bunk bed?! Who's on the top bunk? Bunk is a weird word!"
Things are gonna have to get worse for your girlfriend before she'll want to stop. Maybe she'll start coming home with traffic cones on her head or up her butt. Maybe she'll stab an elephant to death and/or she might crap on your face when you least expect it. OR, maybe she'll get the elephant to crap on your face while you're sleeping then stab it to death. FYI, if this happens, she won't want to talk about the dead elephant in the room in the morning, so you shouldn't mention it (even
though you will be dying to know where the elephant came from.)
All I'm saying is let the crazy unfold if you can handle it. Don't nag, make threats or yell at her. She'll manipulate you into thinking that everything is your fault.
I dated a non-drinker for a few years and one night he told me "Amber, your drinking isn't cute anymore."
In my shitfaced state of mind I said, "I don't think anything or anyone is cuter than me. I mean...Emanuel Lewis was pretty cute as Webster, but he doesn't suck your
dick every night. I do, and it's adorable."
See - I made it seem like I was the cutest thing ever and he wasn't mad at me after I sucked his wang until his eyeballs almost popped out of his head. Oh, and let's not forget how I referenced a small black child from the 80's to confuse the situation even more. Us boozers know how to spin a situation!
My point is, Alcoholism is a son-of-a-fuckin-dickhole bitch, whether you have it or not. It ruins lives. Boozy Blues, if you think your girlfriend is worth it - stick around and see if she's willing to get help (you might get a few blow jobs out of it).
If she's a crap girlfriend, dump that boozey-twat. It might help her sober up in the
long run.
Cheers!
Peace,
Amber
Moving on. Here's a question from Troy, he's from somewhere in the U.S.A.
Dear Ms. Tozer...or is it Mrs?
A couple of weeks ago, the Pennsylvania Democratic electorate was made up of 47% white women, higher than any other race/gender subgroup. Clinton ended up winning by more than 30 points, 66%-34%; in Ohio, she won this group, 67%-31%.
I gotta ask, what's up with the white women? Do you think they are afraid of having a black man in office?
Thanks for considering my question.
Troy (btw I'm African American)
Thanks for writing in, Troy. I wish your name was Webster. My name is Amber, Ms. Tozer if you're nasty. If you are not nasty, leave me alone. OMG, we have so much in common already. I just tried to spoof Janet Jackson's song "Nasty," she's black, and you're black. Awesome. We just connected. I hope you caught that with your eyeballs.
I don't know about your question, man. I just see a lot of "%" signs, but I'll try to answer it.
I know of a few white women who are voting for Obama and I know a black guy who's voting for Clinton. I do my research based on my friends, not national statistics.
As far as the polls go, I honestly think white women are excited about the possibility of having a white woman as President. And, I think a lot of black people - like Oprah - are excited that a black man might bring home da title (that wasn't meant to be racist).
Those of us who have our eyeballs wide open leave out gender and race, and vote based
on who has the coolest campaign slogan. I'm just happy that my black and white television has brought out the true colors of all presidential candidates.
Oh, and I think it's hilarious that you think white women might be "afraid" to have a black man in office. A lot of black men assume that us white chicks are afraid of you. WE AREN'T! The only things white chicks are afraid of are gaining weight, getting a DUI, and sharks.
That's it. When I see a black man, I get super horny and hopeful.
BOOM.
Next.
Hey Amber,
Love your stuff. Here's a question for ya.
How do you know when it's the right time in a relationship to take nude pictures of you and your partner? When's the right time to post them on the Internet?
Sincerely,
Derek
Hi Derek,
Hmmmm. Nude pictures. I say, after you ejaculate all over your partner (not in the eyeballs), take a few pictures of their naked body. If he/she likes the photo session, then it's the right time to take nude pictures. If they aren't into it, you'll just look like a perverted idiot.
If you both decide to publish your nudey pics on the web, that's when you should realize you are just like every other asshole that's trying to get attention via the Internet.
The End.
Peace,
AmberAmber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. She previously answered questions about German lesbians and Al Qaeda, and questions about pubic hair. You can email your questions to ambertozer@gmail.com or call the hotline at 818-575-6035! Her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out - www.myspace.com/ambertozer.
The Office Dick
We're sure you're fired up for tonight's episode of The Office, so to get you in the mood here's a look at The Office Dick, inspired the conflict between Michael and Stanley in last week's episode. Oh, did we forget to mention that in this case Michael is an actual dick?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Happy MILF Day
Mother's Day isn't for a few more days, but Comedy.com and J Chris Newberg have gotten a jump start on the festivities with this new insanely catchy song and video that pays tribute to all the MILFs out there celebrating Mother's Day. Read More......
Midwestern Nightmares: Sex Chet Chat
As a 5th grade youngster at St. Stephen’s Elementary, it was quite an exciting day when we were told that Father Chet would be coming in to teach the boys the ins and outs of the birds and the bees.
The promise of the usual suspects making crass remarks in an open forum about sex was far more to my liking than an average afternoon of algebra, taught to us by a woman who had a horrible short tight blonde clown curl hairdo and who’s breath reminded us constantly of the dog shit sandwich she must have eaten for lunch.
Let me say first, that growing up Catholic, I’ve known many men of the cloth to be kind, generous, honest, and true believers in the Christian faith who actually chose Jesus Christ over openly sleeping with women or men.
And not all priests are raging homosexuals and/or kiddie ticklers.
Most of us, having already viewed pornography, had a thorough knowledge of at least how the deed was done. I still remember the first XXX feature I sat through with a pillow on my lap. The main character’s name was Dr. Morecock, and he had sex with a woman while wearing a cut-off shirt that exposed his midriff. I couldn’t understand why a man would show their penis to another person, yet choose to cover up their nipples.
As is appropriate to this scenario, I’ll fast forward to the good part, although there are several other fantastic pieces of the story that I don’t remember quite as accurately.
The question was posed to Father Chet as to how large a grown man’s penis would get when erect. Taking a thoughtful pause, Father Chet bluntly answered, “about 11 inches.”
Stifling gut laughs, we got our rulers out so fast I’m surprised someone didn’t lose an eye.
Now, depending on the level of one’s intelligence and exposure to sex, this must have caused several future reactions:
Some of the boys probably look back fondly on this and laugh like I do, accepting of their allotment of developed ding dong.
A few of them probably feel like the description was inappropriate and place blame on it when they whine to their therapists.
But I like to think that there’s at least one stupid, poor, sheltered, bastard out there walking around with a sweetass 9-and-a-half inch cock who’s too ashamed to mention it to anyone, let alone share it with a horny guy or girl who’d appreciate it because he thinks he’s inadequate.
For the record, Father Chet had short, spikey, peroxide blonde club hair, spoke with a thick lisp, and walked with more swooshes than Nike.
I’m not saying this makes him gay. I’d hate to perpetuate a stereotype. I live in a glass house so I don’t own any stones. I just thought a mental picture would be nice.
What made him gay was when it turned out that he was fucking a guy who lived two doors down from my Grandparents.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I’d guess it’s safe to say Father Chet couldn’t resist, who my Grandmother referred to as, “the weirdo guy’s” big and bad 11-inch dick.Mike Burns is a severely hunky comedian from Saginaw Chicago New York Los Angeles, MI. He recently wrote about life as a gangsta and reminisced about his Colt 45-drinking childhood. You can see more of this dreamboat at myspace.com/mikeburnsmikeburns and read his column here every other Tuesday.
GTA Line Losers
Ever wonder what the guys who camp out to buy video games the day they are released think about sex, drugs, AIDS, Jews, beastiality and other pressing issues facing society today? Well, luckily Comedy.com's new video game reporter (and Whip It Out favorite) Jacob Sirof hit the line at a store on the eve of Grand Theft Auto's release to find out. Read More......
Some Other Sucker's Parade: You Never Know When You Need A Rifle
Let's play a game. It's called HAVE THE ADDICT DRIVE AROUND THE COMIC.
It's a great game. It's survival-based and can be played in almost any city that has a comedy club or a performance venue. I played a few times recently.
Last week in Texas I was picked up at the airport by a Meth user. He didn't have fingers because he sold them to his friend for more drugs. True story.
He went by the name Freddie Fingers and was waiting for me at the Odessa Midland airport. He had a sign in his teeth that read: "Jay Kris Newman." I assumed that it was me and luckily I was correct.
He was over average height and slender build, but what I noticed right away is that he was sweating like there was a tiny microwave in his pants. I mean, flop sweats. A Smurf could have showered underneath his river of death. A tiny drought-oriented village could have connected a hose to his forehead and ceased all of their prayers for rain.
I shook his palm and he grabbed my guitar and took off in a sprinter's stride towards the car. He couldn't be stealing my instrument because he had a sign. Judging by the correct spelling of the sign, I knew I was already respected in this town, so I just walked slightly faster, but not too concerned.
We were in the truck and he immediately asked if I needed a rifle. I explained that I was going to the Holiday Inn and I thought that I would be okay. He laughed a maniacal shriek and I immediately reconsidered, but stayed quiet.
"You should be fine. You're right next to the car dealers and not much goes on there. I was just trying to get rid of one for some extra loot."
Yes, he said loot.
Now I went out with a girl that used to use Meth and although we only went out once, I will NEVER forget her twitches and her horrible smell. It was the scent of takeover. Some demon had gotten inside her brain and began to pillage her cells and set fires to her skin and teeth. Sad really, but nonetheless unforgettable. Mr. Fingers had her same fragrance.
"Do you smoke pot?" I asked.
"Oh no, I don't touch that shit," he said at a speed that would rival an advancing cheetah.
"How about meth?" I continued.
"Can't lie to ya, hit the pipe twice just before I picked you up."
Perhaps I do need a rifle. I asked if the owner knew of his intake decisions and he said that's who he bought from.
I definitely will need a rifle.
The rest of the weekend went off without a hitch, but it has stayed with me. In fact, this past weekend I was in Miami and I was picked up at the airport by Count Drunkulah. He literally had a Scotch in his lap. I opted to get out of the vehicle and take a cab and I heard from the club later that day that he had fallen asleep and hit a tree and they wanted to make sure that I wasn't in the car with him at the time.
Really? Yes, I was in the car and as soon as it hit the tree I got my stuff and walked 21 miles to the hotel. Don't be silly.
So, let that be a lesson to you, if your dog is going to have unprotected sex and argue with you over fantasy football, then they are probably not going to college.
I love monkeys and Rifles
and the fact that Miley Cyrus is 15
and people are showing sassy naked pics of her on line
She's 15
That's child porn
Why do stars flip the bird to the world
when in fact the best revenge on these fools
who are so tortured with fame is to boycott them
for about a year. stop taking pics of them
going to their movies
that will never happen, but it really could
they are only famous because we allow that
let's have a Hollywood mutiny
You bring the pudding and I'll bring
the cattle prod
haters
j cnJ Chris Newberg is a comic, actor, producer, song writer, and author living in Los Angeles and occasionally Detroit with his loyal and aging Cocker Spaniel, Flower. He has recently written about his run-in with Richie Sambora and vampire romance. You can find him at jchrisnewberg.com, myspace.com/jchrisnewberg, or just google him because you know you want to. His column runs every other Tuesday.
69 With A Chance Of Sex
This clip features a Minnesota weatherman who manages to work the phrase "69 sex" into his excited weather report. That's pretty much all you need to know.
Every Simpsons Couch Gag Ever
In case you were cryogenically frozen Austin Powers-style for the last two decades, The Simpsons is a brilliant animated show that is known for (among other awesome things) ending its opening credits sequence each episode with the family colliding on their living room couch in a new and hilarious way. To get yourself up to speed on what you've missed, check out this video featuring all 418 couch gags. Read More......
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Zach Galifianakis Visits The Cat Chriopractor
There's a pretty simple formula for getting us to pay attention to your video - just put Zach Galifianakis in it. Bobby Tisdale recognized that and as a result, the first episode of his new Cat Chiropractor series is posted above. It features Galifianakis bringing his cat (aptly named "Cat Stevens") in for a check up.
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Real Sex And The City Movie
The Sex and the City movie hits theaters later this month, but we doubt it will bring with it dialogue as accurate as the conversation the girls have in this video. The only thing missing is an appearance from John Corbett saying, "Hey, I used to be in this amazing show called Northern Exposure, but then I got old and needed a gig to pay for my weed habit so I had to take this gig pretending to sleep with a horse-faced actress every week." Read More......
Cagney, Lacey, and Farting?
Ok, so here's an odd selection for you. It's a clip from the British television series The Graham Norton Show that features Cagney and Lacey (yes, they're apparently still alive and getting booked as guests on British talk shows) in a bit in which they are supposed to be pretending to be in the bathroom farting up a storm in order to capture the "hilarious" reactions of the other unsuspecting women in the bathroom who are clearly actresses in this clearly staged (and poorly conceived) bit. We're not sure if it's funny, but it seemed so surreal that it's worth a post. Read More......
The Matrix Meets Family Guy
If we told you that this video features audio from The Matrix trailer synched up with animated footage from Family Guy, would we have to tell you anything else to convince you to check it out? Yeah, that's what we thought. Read More......
Hungry Man On The Street
The typical man-on-the-street video features a comedian asking innocent people surprising questions and attempting to make them feel awkward and/or say funny stuff. But the guys at Black 20 have found a much more practical use for the man-on-the-street interview as they've discovered it's a great way to get yourself a free lunch.
Facials: Yay or Nay?
The Daily Bedpost recently took to the streets to ask women about a crucial issue of sexual etiquette - facials. Shockingly, it turns out most women are not fans getting a guy's love juice (or "kids" as one guy adorably refers to it) lovingly squirted on to their faces. Read More......
Zach Galifianakis Drinks More Vodka
Zach Galifianakis and his pals Tim and Eric are back again with some more Absolut vodka-inspired antics. This time around, the trio heads to the beach for an afternoon of relaxing oddball fun.
RELATED POSTS:
The boys vodka debut.
Zach goes between two ferns with Jimmy Kimmel.
The Snuggler.
Owen Benjamin in House Bunny
It always amuses us when one of our comic pals surfaces in the trailer for a move which we didn't realize they were in (What can we say? We're easily amused). The latest example of this is none other than the appearance of Owen Benjamin the above trailer for the upcoming Anna Faris comedy House Bunny.
RELATED POSTS:
Owen goes to Gaytown.
Owen's bathroom rules.
Owen talks dirty.
Forgivable Blackness: Videos Blogged - Riskay
I blogged about this over on my site, and I also wrote about it for my gig over at The Daily Fix. But I think that it merits further study. First, let's get you caught up.
0:00-0:20
As an Isaac Hayes fan, I'm not averse to hearing a long verbal intro to a song. But this one isn't particularly inspired. Run of the mill, Rikki Lake stuff. But, it does set up that you're about to hear another "somebody done somebody wrong song." Also, just hearing a woman berate a man like this just makes me feel sorry for the poor sap who's got to come home to this. You're bringing me down, Riskay.
0:20-0:28
And we're off.
0:36
Again. And again.
O:55
Yes. That is a fat man wearing a Snickers jacket.
1:12
OK, I'm from North Carolina. I'm pretty familiar with country. But I've never heard the phrase "dirty-foot bitches" in my life.
1:31
"Don't fuck hers and try to fuck mine." I don't know if I've ever heard a woman refer to her vagina with that particular pronoun before.
2:15
We get to hear the guy's perspective now. This saves us from having to hear the annoying answer record, "Let Me Dick Yo Smell." He promptly threatens to punch her in the eye. So, he's a fat guy who wears Snickers jackets, enjoys bottle service with strippers, comes home late and threatens to assault his girlfriend. Nice catch you've got there, Riskay. To be fair, she did threaten to shoot him earlier in the song. I'm sure these crazy kids will work it out.
2:53
Ladies. Do not try this at home. If you throw your boyfriend's iPhone off the balcony, you'll be the next thing going over the railing.
3:12
Now she's pouring bleach all over his clothes. That's real close to Left Eye Lopez territory. Kind of a downer end to an upbeat song. It's like when Sharon Stone gets all drugged out and pathetic in Casino. That's usually when I turn it off.
Here I could wax poetic about how this kind of lowest common denominator music is eroding our once-proud Black people from the inside out. Or, I could take the opposite tact and paint Riskay as a profane, feminist genius who's song slaps America in the face and kicks a completely sexist genre right in the balls. Neither of those is even close to being true. The truth is, she's an underground Florida rapper who recorded a silly, catchy song with a shocking lyric. Bounce to this.Nick Adams is a comedian and author who has recently written about the joke he wrote at his mother's funeral and a letter to the Mayor . For more semi-interesting content, check out NickAdamsWeb.com and read his column here every other Monday.