Ask Amber: Alcoholism, White Women, and Nude Photos

Hello Eyeballs!

I have no time to do whatever I think I'm supposed to do in this first sentence. I just wanna get to the questions!

Boozy Blues from Houston, TX wrote in!

Dear Amber Tozer,

I've noticed that in both your column and your blog, "Public Bravado," you talk about quitting drinking. Do you think you are an alcoholic? Any advice for a guy who's in love with an alcoholic? I've been with the same girl for two years and she's out of control. We are both miserable. She has promised to stop drinking, but she hasn't,
it's gotten worse. Should I break up with her? I know most of your advice is crazy, but please take this one a little seriously...if that's possible.

Regards,
Dude with the Boozy Blues

Dude with the Boozy Blues, thanks for writing in. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I KNOW I am.

I'm going to take your question as serious as ballsack, asshole and booby cancer.


Alcoholism is a lot like the "private part" cancer trifecta and treatment is necessary for survival. The tricky thing is, the only one who can treat your girlfriend is - your girlfriend. Alcoholism is like masturbation, the only one that can conquer it is
the person involved.

Crap. I'll be back in five minutes.

(Five minutes later)

K, I'm back. This question hit me hard. I felt like drinking and/or rubbing one out. I decided to cum all over the place - it's cheaper, I'll remember it and it's a good upper arm workout.

Anybooze...

If your girlfriend is an alcoholic and she wants to stop drinking, she'll probably have to hit her "bottom" (this always sounds dirty in a British way to me). Yeah, she's going to have to go through drunken hell, meet the devil, and run like she's on fire toward a new way of life.

I don't want to get all medical and shit in this post, but I will for second, so you'll get a better understanding of what she's going through. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind (something is missing upstairs) and alcohol acts as a cure (so we think)– fears fade, confidence is born and there is some sort of "connectedness" that
happens. But, eventually alcohol begins to have the OPPOSITE effect on the alcoholic and things can get uglier than Betty and/or your mother (LOL! J/K! HAHAHA! HEEEHEEE!)

Over time, the body actually develops an allergy to booze. This allergy is the uncontrollable urge to drink even when the person doesn't want too. This overwhelming craving leads to the first drink, and the many, many drinks that usually follow. The alcoholic will often wake up baffled and say something like, "I wasn't gonna drink last night. I can't believe I got so wasted. Why are there burrito beans in my ear
and why am I in bunk bed?! Who's on the top bunk? Bunk is a weird word!"

Things are gonna have to get worse for your girlfriend before she'll want to stop. Maybe she'll start coming home with traffic cones on her head or up her butt. Maybe she'll stab an elephant to death and/or she might crap on your face when you least expect it. OR, maybe she'll get the elephant to crap on your face while you're sleeping then stab it to death. FYI, if this happens, she won't want to talk about the dead elephant in the room in the morning, so you shouldn't mention it (even
though you will be dying to know where the elephant came from.)

All I'm saying is let the crazy unfold if you can handle it. Don't nag, make threats or yell at her. She'll manipulate you into thinking that everything is your fault.

I dated a non-drinker for a few years and one night he told me "Amber, your drinking isn't cute anymore."

In my shitfaced state of mind I said, "I don't think anything or anyone is cuter than me. I mean...Emanuel Lewis was pretty cute as Webster, but he doesn't suck your
dick every night. I do, and it's adorable."

See - I made it seem like I was the cutest thing ever and he wasn't mad at me after I sucked his wang until his eyeballs almost popped out of his head. Oh, and let's not forget how I referenced a small black child from the 80's to confuse the situation even more. Us boozers know how to spin a situation!

My point is, Alcoholism is a son-of-a-fuckin-dickhole bitch, whether you have it or not. It ruins lives. Boozy Blues, if you think your girlfriend is worth it - stick around and see if she's willing to get help (you might get a few blow jobs out of it).

If she's a crap girlfriend, dump that boozey-twat. It might help her sober up in the
long run.

Cheers!

Peace,
Amber

Moving on. Here's a question from Troy, he's from somewhere in the U.S.A.

Dear Ms. Tozer...or is it Mrs?

A couple of weeks ago, the Pennsylvania Democratic electorate was made up of 47% white women, higher than any other race/gender subgroup. Clinton ended up winning by more than 30 points, 66%-34%; in Ohio, she won this group, 67%-31%.

I gotta ask, what's up with the white women? Do you think they are afraid of having a black man in office?

Thanks for considering my question.

Troy (btw I'm African American)

Thanks for writing in, Troy. I wish your name was Webster. My name is Amber, Ms. Tozer if you're nasty. If you are not nasty, leave me alone. OMG, we have so much in common already. I just tried to spoof Janet Jackson's song "Nasty," she's black, and you're black. Awesome. We just connected. I hope you caught that with your eyeballs.

I don't know about your question, man. I just see a lot of "%" signs, but I'll try to answer it.

I know of a few white women who are voting for Obama and I know a black guy who's voting for Clinton. I do my research based on my friends, not national statistics.

As far as the polls go, I honestly think white women are excited about the possibility of having a white woman as President. And, I think a lot of black people - like Oprah - are excited that a black man might bring home da title (that wasn't meant to be racist).

Those of us who have our eyeballs wide open leave out gender and race, and vote based
on who has the coolest campaign slogan. I'm just happy that my black and white television has brought out the true colors of all presidential candidates.

Oh, and I think it's hilarious that you think white women might be "afraid" to have a black man in office. A lot of black men assume that us white chicks are afraid of you. WE AREN'T! The only things white chicks are afraid of are gaining weight, getting a DUI, and sharks.

That's it. When I see a black man, I get super horny and hopeful.

BOOM.

Next.

Hey Amber,

Love your stuff. Here's a question for ya.

How do you know when it's the right time in a relationship to take nude pictures of you and your partner? When's the right time to post them on the Internet?

Sincerely,
Derek

Hi Derek,

Hmmmm. Nude pictures. I say, after you ejaculate all over your partner (not in the eyeballs), take a few pictures of their naked body. If he/she likes the photo session, then it's the right time to take nude pictures. If they aren't into it, you'll just look like a perverted idiot.

If you both decide to publish your nudey pics on the web, that's when you should realize you are just like every other asshole that's trying to get attention via the Internet.

The End.

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. She previously answered questions about German lesbians and Al Qaeda, and questions about pubic hair. You can email your questions to ambertozer@gmail.com or call the hotline at 818-575-6035! Her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out - www.myspace.com/ambertozer.

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Ask Amber: 101 Asses, Craigslist, and Rape

Hi Dongs!

Wow. I can't believe the questions people are asking me. I'm not sure if I should take the response to this column as a compliment or if I should start drinking again.

Let's get to the questions!

I'll start off with Cammie, a 22-year-old from Port Richey, FL...

Dearest Amber Tozer,

My boyfriend wants to have anal-sex. But I'm worried about how it looks down there. What if it is all hairy and scary?! I've never had it waxed because, well -- I don't want some stranger looking at my ass or vagina for that matter. What should I do?

Thanks,
Cammie



Thanks for writing in, Cammie. Congratulations on having a boyfriend that wants to plug up your back door. Nobody's been interested in stuffing my bung holey-o since '06.

You shouldn't be worried about your butthole, I have a resource that can help you out. My best friend Karey Dornetto is a gluteus maximus hair removing idiot savant. She has an ass shaving empire and has created 101 Ways to Shave Your Ass - it's loads of hair-removing fun.

Check out her site, www.101waystoshave.com, buy her book or a t-shirt for inspiration. You can even have your boyfriend help you shave your butt. My personal favorite is called "At Gunpoint."

Hope this helps! Getting plugged in the ass is as much fun as plugging a friends dongy website (almost).

Ok. Moving on.

Here are a few questions from Andrea, who is new to Los Angeles.

Check it:

Dear Amber,

How can I tell if the guy responding to my Craigslist personal ad is married?

You should ask him something like: Are you married?

Is Craigslist a good way to meet single guys in LA?

No, but I wish you the best of luck. I think Craigslist is a great resource, but I feel like the personal ads are dongy. It's just too easy for weirdos, pervs, psychos and children to post an ad. I think you'd have a better shot at meeting a cool dude in traffic or something. BUT, Craigslist is a great way to sell mattresses illegally, to find a roommate, and to collect ball sweat.

What's the best way to get on tv?

I'm not sure. I haven't really figured that out yet. I can tell you what not to do: Do not fuck people who have an ego the size of Ron Jeremy's dong, do not get drunk every night, and do not eat after midnight. Whoa, a GREMLINS reference – stop the press!

Maybe the best way to get on TV is to kill someone.

This is my first summer in LA. What should I do while I'm here?

Los Angeles is awesome in the summer. You can hike, chill at coffee shops, cut your bangs, and meet people that'll remind you of an Uncle that might touch you. Also, the rehab facilities are top-notch.

I'm sure you'll figure it out, just stay open minded and be sure to ignore the right people. Hope this helps, Andrea. Have a great summer - don't ever change!

Next.

I don't know who sent this next question to me. They had one of those
weird email addresses with a code name, BTK. Wait, I know who this guy is. BIND TORTURE KILL serial killer man!

Whatever. This is what he asked me.

Have you ever been raped?

WHOA, nosy-rosy psycho! Well, to be honest with you - I was almost raped but it didn't really work out. And, I totally was asking for it.

I was like "Hey man, will you rape me?"

Him: What?

Me: You heard what I said. Now rape me.

Him: You want me to rape you? I don't think it would be rape if you WANT it.

Me: Fuck you. No means yes. Rape me.

Him: I've never raped anyone before.

Me: Dude, hold me down against my will and stick it in me, dong-gonnit!

Him: (Get's on top of me and sticks it in) OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

Me: Shut the fuck up.

Him: Sorry. Raping is hard.

Me: Punch me in the neck.

Him: What is wrong with you?

Me: I'll tell you later.

Him: Ok. (Punches me in the neck then walks away)

Me: Way to party.

Him: You are out of your mind.

Me: Ok. Bye.

The End.

At least I got a neck punch out of it. We actually went on a second date and I think I turned him off. I would not shut up about how much my parents loved me as a kid.

Ok, gotta go and eat some Ding-Dongs now.

In my next column I'll answer some questions from Troy, who wants to know about Obama and the Bittergate Scandal and "What's up with white women?"

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. She previously answered questions about German lesbians and Al Qaeda, and questions about pubic hair. You can email your questions to ambertozer@gmail.com or call the hotline at 818-575-6035! Her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out - www.myspace.com/ambertozer.

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Ask Amber: German Lesbians, Ayman al-Zawahri, and a Smithsonian Shit

Hi Bananas,

I'm going to jump right into the questions. I'm in no mood to razzle-dazzle you with a hilarious introductory paragraph. My bangs are too long, my right quadricep is bigger than my left and I'm a dry drunk.

This advice column is going to be loads of fun. Let's begin with a question from Berna, a lesbian from Germany:

I'm gay and whenever I meet some girl via internet (yeah, I know..) and we talk/message around for a while, the questions about my name usually start. Where it's from and stuff. To clear things up, I live and grew up in Germany, but I'm not originally from here. (originally from Turkey). So anyway, after they know about my name they kind of lose interest and back off slowly.

What the hell should I do in these cases? Confront them about it and ask about it right away or just fucking forget those idiots who aren't able to open up their horizons?

Thank you!
Berna


Thanks for writing in, Berna! I'm not sure if their lack of interest is in direct correlation to your name, your location, or where you grew up. If I were lesbian cruising the Internet for some hot lady-on-lady action, I might be discouraged if they didn't live near me. I'd want the luxury of a traveling a very short distance to a girl who might give me a good fingerblast and/or crack lick.

BUT, if they lose interest in you because of your upbringing and they don't like Germany - kick them in the virtual va-jay-jay (aka pussy) and forget 'em. They are a waste of time. I'm clueless about the lesbian culture in Germany, but I say hit the gay bars, clubs, whatever. The Internet is weird. It's so vast and anonymous. Maybe the person you are "chatting" with isn't even a lesbian. It could be some lazy-eyed-homophobic-daily-raped American prison inmate who likes playing jokes on the gays (they have Internet privileges). Or, it could be some wise-crackin' Grandma in a nursing home trying to get a few laughs in before she criggity-croaks. You never know.

Get out of the house! I'm sure the right girl will cross your Turkish-German path soon. In the meantime, masturbate constantly.

Moving on. Rob wrote in again! I couldn't help but answer another one of his questions. Check it:

So it appears that Ayman al-Zawahri is about to start his own advice
column via the web. Are you worried about the competition from Al Qaeda? Alternatively, do you have any advice for al-Zawahri, being an experienced advice
columnist yourself?

Thanks, Rob. I'm not worried about any competition from Al Qaeda and Ayman. Ayman and members of Al-Qaeda are all ugly banana-dicks and I'm an adorable, all-American slut. Ayman is best buddies with Osama Bin Laden and I'm best buddies with a blue dildo. We run in different circles, have different goals in life, and attract different markets.
His advice column is targeted toward a terrorist network, while my column is targeted toward funny people and office slackers. I WIN - hands down...your pants.

Do I have any advice for Ayman? Ummm. Yeah, I do. Here it is:

Dear Ayman,

Chill the fuck out, man. You are just another human on this Earth that will die like the rest of us. Get over yourself. You are a qualified surgeon, an optometrist to be exact. And, your name is pronounced EYE-MAN! If that's not a sign from God, I'll pay 72 virgins to bang your goosey-ball-sack in front of those who worship you.

Anyway, shitty-shitty-gang-bang, why are you so angry? Maybe you and Osama have had a-hole sex, and that's why you need to go into banana attack mode against the Jews and Americans because you need to muffle those "un-Godly" homo feelings. You need to create chaos amongst people who don't follow your beliefs, to divert attention away from your anal area. I think Freud would agree. You need a complete psychic change, you selfish banana! Just anally attack Osama and leave everyone alone. It'll be totally cool, dude. We'll understand.

Gays are awesome, just talk to Berna from Germany. She'll tell you the truth. Come to think of it, you better not be the one messing with her on the Internet! I know people, and they like bananas!

Oh, and in regards to having your own advice column - best of luck!

Peace,
Amber

PS: Banana!

Wow. That just came out of me like a diarrhea laced suicidal bomb-blast.

The last question is from Lisa. Lisa is a friend of mine that I've known for 11 years. Her question annoyed me. Here it is:

Who invented the bra and why?

Lisa, Google that shit. This isn't Jeopardy. This is an advice column. Questions need not deal with trivia – they need to deal with emotions and actions. I'm going to give you advice on how to ask for advice. Ya know what? Since I know you so well I'll ask a question you should be asking me.

(Pretend Lisa is asking this question)

Why am I so fascinated with the size of my shit logs?

Please note: I'm not trying to be shocking by asking Lisa's pretend shit question. I'll just never forget the time I spent the night in her apartment in Pueblo, Co. back in 1998. I was passed out on her couch when she came running into the living room and was like "OH MY GOD. YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE SIZE OF MY SHIT."

Me: What? (Just waking up)

Lisa: Seriously, go look in the toilet.

Me: Ok (Got up and looked in the toilet).

Me: Whoa. Nice. It's bigger than a banana.

Lisa: Isn't that crazy? That's the biggest shit I've ever taken.

Me: Yeah, it's huge. Way to squeeze it out. (Went back to sleep)

And...scene.

Lisa, you are probably fascinated by the size of your shit logs because you've always been obsessed with the digestive process. I remember you always saying, "God, isn't shit weird? I mean, we eat food, stuff happens in our body and look what comes out!"

That's it. You just find whatever comes out of your brown-eye very interesting. The next time you take a Smithsonian worthy shit, show your kids. They'll flip out and the say craziest thing! Record it, send it into America's Funniest Home Videos and win the grand prize! (I get 10 percent). Or, just post it on YouTube.

Gotta go now. Don't be mad at me Lisa.

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. She previously answered questions about pubic hair and introduced herself to us. You can email your questions to ambertozer@gmail.com or call the hotline at 818-575-6035! Her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out - www.myspace.com/ambertozer.

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Ask Amber: Pubes, Federal Reserve Policy, and Cakey Vagina

Hi Whip It Outs,

Welcome to my advice column. Thanks to everyone who wrote in. I'm sorry I couldn't get to all of the questions I received. Don't be sad if your question isn't featured this week– just ask better questions next time. I'm a dick!

Let's begin with Rob who had a few questions about pubes.

"What are your recommendations regarding pubic hair grooming for men and women?"

Men: If your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/mistress/donkey-doll takes care of their pubes, take care of yours. Trim that shit up. What's a donkey-doll? Exactly that. A donkey-doll.

As a lady, I personally have never gotten waxed. I just won't do it. I got my mustache waxed once and my skin exploded on my very own face. I hate the wax job. But, I do encourage shaving, trimming, snipping, clipping, tweezing (ouchy wowch) - just keep it clean. Some of my most focused moments in life are when I have a pair of scissors inches away from my vagina. Try it!

"Do your pube recommendations vary based on whether you're gay, straight, single, married, or based on age or race?"


Not really. If you are really young and you don't have pubes yet, you obviously don't have to worry about it. If you are a minority, it doesn't mean you can ignore the hairs downstairs. Nobody wants to hear "Hey, I'm black and gay. I'll do what I want because I'm different." Yeah, well, get over it.

Whoever has their face buried in your crotch is the one that's wishing your big bush was different. You can dye it rainbow if you want - but don't forget to trim bitches. Oh, and if you're married you should shave it ALL OFF. Go bald.

Let's switch it up with another question Rob asked. It's a mother effin doozey.

"What do you make of Ben Bernanke offering loans to banks and accepting mortgage backed securities as collateral for those loans? Do you foresee any long term economic consequences from this change in Federal Reserve Policy?"

Who the eff is Ben Bernanke? Wait...I just googled him. He's the Chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve!

I don't know the answer to this fucking question. But, I do think it's cool that Ben's last name BERNANKE contains letters that spell BANK, BANKER, RANK, KEEN and BEAN. This makes me think he's the right man for the job. Yeah, according to his last name Ben is money in the beaner-bank, therefore I do not foresee any long-term economic consequences from this change in the Federal Reserve Policy. If there is a problem,
Ben should just print more money (on the down-low) and pretend to fix shit up like a real American.

I'm a real American, because I don't care about this and I should. Or should I? I
don't even know that. All I know is I'm going to dye my pubes red, white and blue - then stalk Ben Bank-N-Beans and ask for a loan.

Next Question.

From Stu: "Why does your vagina smell like cake?"

Because your mom is an amazing cake maker. (I would reference pubes here,
but I'm pubed out)

Next Question.

From Lizzy: "Can I just call you? Not for advice but when I feel like whipping it out?"

Of course! Just be sure to have a huge cock and please call me after 7pm (free minutes)!

Ok. That's it for now, keep the questions coming. Just send me an
email at ambertozer@gmail.com or call the Whip It Out Hotline at 818-575-6035.

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes a nose and a mouth. She previously introduced herself to us and her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out - www.myspace.com/ambertozer.

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Ask Amber: Introductions

My name is Amber Tozer and I'm about to write the shit out of this column. It's column crapping time, someone light a vanilla candle!

Actually, I'm here for you. Not me. Sure, I have my name and picture plastered on the page, but honestly - I'm here for you.

This is going to be an advice column! Maybe you are asking yourself, "Who in the hell are you to give me advice and why should your opinion matter?" Or maybe you are asking yourself "Why do I smell like other people's sweat today?" Or, "Why do pubic hairs grow back so fast?"

Whatever you are asking yourself, you should start asking me. WHY? I'll tell you why.

I'm a back-packin-slackin-travelin-drinkin-smokin-jokin type of human and it's time for me to share my wisdom with you. I've suffered a lot and I know how to snap out of it. Seriously, check this shit out: Most of my relationships have been dysfunctional and self-destructive, I played college basketball and I'm only a little bit of a lesbian, I have all of my teeth, my sister is bald and my dad is dead. I just KNOW THINGS, trust me on this.

Every other week I'll be answering questions from you, for you. What kind of questions? Questions that need answers full of my sweet vanilla candle smelling advice, that's what kind! You can ask me how to deal with your significant other, your boss, your pets, your sneaky farts, your missing marbles, your ass-crack, your crack problem, cracked corn - whatever!

You'll remain anonymous (if you want) and I'll REALLY try to help you. It's gonna be a really good time. So, go ahead and send me an email ambertozer@gmail.com (or, even better, call the Whip It Out Comedy hotline at 818-575-6035 and leave your question as a voicemail message!) and let the fun begin!

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she's adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes a nose and a mouth. Check her out at www.myspace.com/ambertozer and http://tozerisalady.blogspot.com.

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