Ahoy, Champions: Making A List

This is a list of things my sister had to buy for her new condominium, as expressed by my mother:


Forks
Knives
Spoons
A Ladle
Spatula
Colander
Dish towels
Pots and pans
A drying rack
Dish soap
Dishes

"I mean, Kyle, she's got nothing. She's really starting from scratch here."

Shower curtain
Bath mat
Bath soap
Soap dish
Toothbrush holder

"She brought her old toothbrush from home I think."

Blinds and curtains
A dining room table
Dining room chairs
Placemats
Good napkins
A shower curtain (she said this one twice, for effect)
A vacuum
Broom and dustpan
Food
A microwave
Lamps/lighting

There was more, but I stopped listening after a while.

Kyle Kinane is a comedian and member of Blerds who has recently written about his inventions and Hitler . He can be found on Myspace and his column runs every other Friday.

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Ahoy, Champions: Decoy Babies

Breakfast chili.

Hot fudge nachos.

These are my inventions. You see somebody tangling with these concepts and his name ain't Kyle Kinane, you flip over the card table right in front 'em and just start shooting. Don't worry; the bartender will duck. Always does.

Crumbs are like post-it notes made out of food, because i just looked down at my shirt and it basically said "Don't forget - you ate a croissant."

More like a scrap book maybe.

Kyle Kinane is a comedian and member of Blerds who has recently written about Hitler and costs vs. rewards. He can be found on Myspace and his column runs every other Friday.

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Ahoy, Champions: Scribblings and Hitler

SCRIBBLINGS

It’s getting better, the insomnia.

I mean, I’ll sleep, but never at the intended hour. A lot of times I wake up at work and my computer screen just has lines and lines of the letter W on it. I delete them all individually because it wastes more time and I can get a good beat going with the backspace key.

I think it’s the time I wake up. My alarm goes off at 8:00 am. 8:00 am on a digital alarm clock just looks like the word “BOO.” It’s quite a negative message to start one’s day off with.

Last week I fell asleep on the toilet at work. I don’t know if it was because I was tired or if it was because I was reading an old copy of Entertainment Weekly. They were reviewing the Superman movie. Perhaps I was intentionally reading it to fall asleep. I get so caught up in excuses sometimes I forgot why it was I was doing something in the first place. Sometimes I just go in there and sit down. I just read magazines and think about what I’d make for dinner if I knew how to cook. It’s usually pizza, even though you can buy those pretty easy.

There are always cards to sign. Birthday cards, Get Well cards, New Baby cards. I think I accidentally wrote “Congratulations” on a Get Well card. I haven’t heard anything of it yet, and it’s not like the coworkers are getting any less friendly with me, so.

My coworkers all have babies. That’s strange, because they make as much money as I do and I’m broke. I think that means that babies cost as much as alcoholism.

That Youtube doesn’t help. I must’ve watched Night Ranger videos for a whole hour and a half on Tuesday. I wouldn’t be caught dead listening to Night Ranger on my own time, but they’re a pretty rocking band when you’re supposed to be doing something else. It’s kind of like that Eddie Murphy joke about sex and eating a cracker in the desert or something. I watched that one too, but my boss came by and I had to turn it off before I could listen to the whole thing.

I was drunk at the grocery store last night and I had this thought where I even said out loud, “Why can’t my life be as organized as this place?” I was in the soup aisle, which was quite structured. It made me sad, which is ironic since soup is supposed to be a comfort food.

HITLER

It’s unwritten history that at certain points later in his reign as Der Furher, Adolf Hitler experimented with peroxide. A result of a.) his eternal quest for the perfect “fair-haired” race of master specimens, and b.) his fascination with words containing the suffix "–ide," Hitler’s use of peroxide was mostly secretive.

In fashion with his desire for the perfect Aryan race, Hitler was reported to have applied peroxide to his closest associates’ hair while they slept on several occasions. This fascination ended when Hitler, in an attempt to either fool or humor propaganda minister and close friend Joseph Goebbels, bleached his own mustache and would only refer to Goebbels as “my bro” for several days.

Not entertained by the joke, Goebbels expressed dismay more than a few times over Hitler’s aloof attitude towards the end of the war.

Combined with Heinrich Himmler’s involvement in the prank (Himmler had not bleached his hair, but would have entire conversations with Hitler that consisted of nothing more than the pair referring to each other as “dude” and “bro” repeatedly), Goebbels regularly retreated to the kitchen of his estate to perfect his “Goebbels’ Gobbles,” a series of pre-packaged turkey entrees inspired by the SS’s rations at the time.

The Nazis were defeated before Goebbels had the chance to taste-test his recipes (he was known as a man of great planning before action). The papers were lost with the exception of a burnt copy of the Swedish cookbook “Singin’ Lingonberries.” Goebbels’ notes were found etched in the margins of the book.

Kyle Kinane is a comedian and member of Blerds who has recently written about costs vs. rewards and the frustration of not having anything to complain about. He can be found on Myspace and his column runs every other Friday.

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Ahoy, Champions: Cost vs. Rewards

The insomnia yielded this non sequitur at about 3:30 am.

[disappointed]: "Well, Lucas, you just hand-jived your way out of $500."

Nonsense or a clue? I can't tell anymore. What if I'm being handed keys to the locks of time and space, yet i'm mistaking them as nothing more than late night summer salad fart accompaniment?

I might not go into heavy research, but i will begin to take notes.

Kyle Kinane is a comedian and member of Blerds who has recently written about the frustration of not having anything to complain about and his typical work day. He can be found on Myspace and his column runs every other Friday.

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Ahoy, Champions: Nothing To Complain About

It feels like cheating, you know?

Pretending it’s all art. Pretending I’m struggling. “Oh god, I’m broke. Life’s tough. What if I don’t become a successful cocksuck in showbiz? What a struggle it all is! [stage faint].”

Sat here and wrote some Bukowski-esque bullshit about the romance of wine rings on my desk, striving for complacency through creativity, and having to smash roaches with empty whiskey bottles (I don’t have roaches and I recycle my bottles promptly). What a crock of shit.

Trying to be some starving artist is tough when that Trader Joe’s is just a couple blocks away. Eating cold chili out of a can, sure...but it’s organic chili and I heat it up in the nice Ikea dishware my roommate’s parents bought for us.

I’m drunk on wine on Monday night, but that’s not to avoid the despair of being broke and alone; it’s to avoid the truth of having nothing to complain about.

“Shit’s rough for me, man! At least until that tax return comes in a couple weeks. Almost couldn’t afford my new mountain bike. Does anyone else understand this kind of pain?”

Let’s stop being pussies, Hollywood. I’ll try if you try. Let’s not be afraid of failure, but let’s feel true shame for borrowing money from our parents past 30. And let’s stop acting like this is all we’ve got.

“Oh, I’d just probably curl up and die if I couldn’t act!”

No, you’d take your fucking arms and legs and brains and use them to scratch by like the rest of the world. Remember this: the world doesn’t need another actor/comedian/director/producer/showbiz cocksuck.

“But Kyle, I’ve got a true gift!”

Yes, you do. It’s a gift; not an entitlement. You’ve got a little something special, just like someone who can tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongue or finish a Rubik’s Cube surprisingly quick. But it doesn’t help the world turn.

“But Kyle, you moved to Los Angeles to pursue your dreams.”

Yeah, yeah, I know...

These wine rings, the lot of them. Nothing but desktop Venn diagrams. Intersecting splices showing the culmination of ill advice given and ill advice taken. I’ve brought this on myself.

Kyle Kinane is a comedian and member of Blerds who has recently written about his typical work day. He can be found on Myspace and his column runs every other Friday.

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Ahoy, Champions: Work Days

My work day resembles a NASA g-force simulator in as much as the whole challenge seems to be just to remain conscious for the duration. I don’t sleep so well, you see.

Even when I am awake at work, anything can take priority as long as it’s not the task at hand. Last Thursday, I realized all my black shoelaces rarely stay tied, whereas the white ones are reliable. That thought alone made me curious enough to research racism, political correctness, and psychological overcompensation via Catholic guilt on and off for a whole afternoon.

The only interruption came in the form of nervous wondering over what kind of inter-office greeting card I’d signed right before lunch. I’d absent-mindedly written “Congratulations” in what I realized might’ve been a “Get Well” card. The mistake was understandable since I’d just previously been researching tuxedo rental prices for a wedding I was attending coming up in July.

By the time the worry had reached a fever pitch, I was already off to a deli in Burbank, wondering when, if ever, I’d get to use all this camping gear I’d been spontaneously purchasing over the past two weeks.

Lanterns sound like a must-have after you just watched Red Dawn over the weekend, but when it’s sitting in its box next to a recycling bin full of Coors Light bottles in the living room, you realize you could’ve gotten by with a key chain flashlight if need be.

I bought a 4-person tent just in case three other people are as convinced as I am that my neighbor’s dog can predict when the shit’s gonna go down. Skipper’s barking at the door to the laundry room again. Load up the truck. Even if it comes back that I’m a fool and Skipper was simply barking at a poltergeist, at least I have a sweet Labor Day weekend set-up.

I just wrote a whole thing about wakeboarding, but I realize that it didn’t really fit here.

Kyle Kinane is a comedian and member of Blerds. He can be found on Myspace and his column runs every other Friday.

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Selling Stuff To Carson Daly

"This comes pre-loaded with Eddie Money's greatest hits on it. It's like a $9 value already."

Kyle Kinane is quickly becoming the best part of the Carson Daly show. In this clip of his latest sketch appearance on the show features him interrupting Daly's introductions in order to hawk products ranging from Colecovision, to Woo Woo Pedals, to Hannah Montana tickets. Good stuff.

RELATED VIDEOS:
Kyle Kinane does standup on Carson Daly.
Kyle Kinane acts like an idiot around a pregnant woman.
The Kyle Kinane workout plan.

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9 and 1/2 Dumb Questions With: KYLE KINANE

It's been a while since we've fired 9 and 1/2 of our dumbest questions at an unsuspecting comedian - too long. But we're thrilled to get back in the swing of things with this interview with Blerds member Kyle Kinane, a tsunami of comedy who was born to answer our dumb questions (that sounds like an insult, but we mean it as a compliment).

1. Your initials are KK. What else do you have in common with the Kottonmouth Kings?

I'm unfamiliar. is that a hockey team?

2. You've been known to come up with some creative nicknames for the audience in your standup act such as calling them "baby cheesecakes" - think back to the girl you lost your virginity to and tell us what would be an appropriate nickname for her?

She already had a stage name: "Crystal"

3. You're a drinker. How do you know when not to say when?

The next drink is always a metaphorical key that can possibly open up the evening to unexpected opportunity. Getting into a full-tilt drunk is a lot like walking out of plato's cave, but in reverse. You talk to the shadows. I've looked up AA meetings in my neighborhood.

4. Bacon bits or ham hocks -- what makes better jew repellent?

Which ever one is more expensive--why am i answering this?

5. What's a Rihanna?

I think it's the noun form of fergalicious.

6. We know that you are fond of creating good names for strippers, so what's the ultimate name for a midget male stripper?

Ricktastic. Peter Cetera. Ed Cetera. Plinko.

7. Global warming - myth or fable?

When winter came to settle in the north midwest, the geese in my town would fly east to west, or vice versa depending on their mood. there's really not many geese left in those parts anymore.

8. Imagine you just found out today that you had a 35-year-old son, how would you spend the afternoon with him? (And yes, we know that you're only 30 years old, but this is a hypothetical so deal with it.)

Searching for his mother. The one with the time-traveling womb.

9. Will you write us a sonnet?

Is that rhyming or with the 5-7-5? or A-B-A-B? No.

9 1/2. Do you remember when…

The theme song to Eddie and the Cruisers DIDN'T get me turbo charged for doing stuff around the house or cleaning the bathroom or whatever? NO. (except for the couple months it was replaced by Seger's 'Ramblin Gamblin Man.')

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Kyle Kinane On Sucky Jobs

Whip It Out favorite Kyle Kinane has had some shitty jobs over the years. But he got some pretty good jokes out of them. See?

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How Not To Be An Idiot Around A Pregnant Woman

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Blerds member and Whip It Out Comedy favorite Kyle Kinane didn't waste a lot of time making his second appearance on national television. Barely a week after he made his debut on Last Call with Carson Daly with a killer standup set, Kinane surfaced again last week on the show in a sketch about how not to be an idiot around a pregnant woman.

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Kyle Kinane On Carson Daly (In A Totally Non-Sexual Way)

Kyle Kinane On Last Call With Carson Daly

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Blerds member and Whip It Out Comedy fave Kyle Kinane recently made his national television debut on Last Call With Carson Daly and here's the videotape to prove it. Not only did Kinane destroy, he also found time to get himself bleeped for using the word "shithoused." What more can you ask from a TV debut?

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Whip It Out Wednesday: DUMBBELLS EPISODE #1

It's that time of the week again...time for us to release a brand new Whip It Out Comedy original concoction. This time around, it's the debut episode of DUMBBELLS, a new series starring Kyle Kinane and Matt Braunger as a couple of unlikely guys who inherit a gym and have their own unique take on personal training. Sherry Sirof is their unlucky first client. Check it out...

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Party Priests

It turns out that beneath their robes, men of the cloth like to drink, party and check out ladies every bit as much as regular guys. At least that's the lesson we learned from watching this video of the Thorn Brothers (aka Kyle Kinane and Matt Braunger) in action. Look for cameos by some of Whip It Out's favorite ladies as well - Jen Kirkman and Renee Gauthier.

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Viva La Mexican Day

Cinco de Mayo has come and gone and we've learned that it's the kind of holiday that everybody celebrates in their own unique way. For example, some people sing funny songs and cover themselves in guacamole, while others such as Kyle Kinane, get some of their friends together and tape kids shows while hungover like the one you can watch above.

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Come Meet The Mayor Of Niketown This Thursday Night!

Excuse us while we do a bit of shameless self promoting. The brilliant video you see above is from our pal (and Blerds member) Kyle Kinane, who may or may not be the mayor of Niketown. One thing that we are sure of, is that he will be hosting or spectacularly wonderful and hilarious show JAM SESSION tomorrow night at 10 pm at the Hollywood Improv. If you live within a 100 miles of LA and you miss this show, well, that would be a huge mistake because it's going to rock - literally.

We'll even make it extra easy for you to come, because we're hooking our readers up with free tickets. All you have to do to get them is shoot us an email at whipitoutcomedy@yahoo.com and let us know how many you need. You can thank us later.

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